I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
