Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
