If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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