i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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