I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
