I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
