I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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