I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
40s are totally the cure
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i now understand why vodka
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
