I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
