My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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