Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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