Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
