the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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