My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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