So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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