break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
