Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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