meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
