I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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