i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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