I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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