I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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