I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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