Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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