He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
