this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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