I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
