I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
