the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
