Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Actions speak louder than pants.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
