I'm going to jail i love you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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