i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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