dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize