After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize