Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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