Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
