do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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