we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
