So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
