you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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