I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
