sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
