I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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