I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
