All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
