if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
