If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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