she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
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It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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