Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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