I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
