Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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