Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
