How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
