Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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