I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
